Friday, December 31, 2021

226 : Influence Meme revisited

 i recently stumbled upon my old influence meme and thought it would be interesting to do another one and reflect a bit over current and past influences!

Like with the previous ones, i kept out more general things like "nature", "friends" etc and tried to stay specific.

Back then i still defined influence as something that does visibly show up in my work, recently its more for me about things that ignite this motivation and joy about drawing/creating for me, even if the art differs from my own.

While i was less active online in recent years, I went through this common circle of reuniting with my old influences again and this helped me to bring back that spark I thought was lost over the years.

what was interesting is that i found another updated meme in the file that i did in 2015 but never uploaded it before

CW for writing about depression

2015 (and the years before it) was a very weird point in my life. I havn´t really talked about it here but around 2013-2014 i started to burn out and fell into a depression that would last serveral years. 

(Maybe it started even earlier and i just did not notice, ever since i left home at 17 and started working i never really took time off, and even in my free time i´d still just try to get better at drawing and was constanly stressed about not beeing good enough)

I did not even realize it was a depression, just that i was overworked. But the signs were there: I stopped enjoying things that i used to usually enjoy, i hardly consumed any kind of media and had no motivation  or incentive to do so on my own. Aside from me researching IP´s that i got to work on for my jobs(which i also started to dread), i hardly got into new things and missed out a lot the exitement that my colleagues had for new movies/games/series coming out. On top of that a big dose of self-isolation that I had difficulty getting out of. Keeping in contact with people was difficult too.

Needless to say that i also could not feel joy over my achievements or that I reached all my goals that i set up for me as a child.

Everything felt extremely pointless and made me feel indifferent. Life was unenjoyable to a point where just felt paralized at the thought of getting up in the morning.  

Weirdly enough, these were also my most productive years. I drew so much and filled more sketchbooks than ever before, but as said i felt indifferent to it and pushed through out of fear. I did not wanted to fall out of drawing.

I have been that kid that would not ever be without pen and paper. I could not imagine a time sometime in the future where i was not drawing. But falling into depression had me not seeing any future at all, there was just nothing. 

There is no profound conclusion for this, I´m still working on myself with the help of others, trying to get better. 

Trying to find things i actually like drawing and enjoy, getting different hobbies, balancing my life better, not saying yes to every job offer and overworking myself (i have gotten good at that actually, saying no to inquiries). 

Last year felt like I´m actually enjoying drawing something for myself again, and i consider this a big step forward! 

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